Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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