was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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