Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
