i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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