the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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