I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
