Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
