yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
