john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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