I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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