textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
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Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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