Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
