New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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