His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
