Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
