cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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