I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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