I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
