Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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