i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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