I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
