Christians are straight up FREAKS
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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