you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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