alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
