My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
