sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
