Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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