dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
