There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
