Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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