Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
