youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
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