Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
