I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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