I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
