so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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