now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
