ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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