I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
