Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
