Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
