I wanna bring you to show and tell
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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