just tell him i said nine months
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
