This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
