Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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