She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
