I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
