guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
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There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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