pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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