I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
