I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
