wanna go halves on a baby?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
