Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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