in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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