why didn't you poke me back
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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