my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
