i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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