he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
