one two three fourrrrnication!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
